Full Steam Ahead! - The Sauna Blog: August 2009

Sunday, 30 August 2009

Brace yourself sauna lovers, this is going to be an epic one.

As we couldn’t find the internet in Bormio (he says, as if it’s like looking for a large plastic box with lots of lights) we’ll have to update you on two days worth of epic European towel-clad adventuring in just the one post.

So, where did we leave you? Interlaken rings a bell, yes, Interlaken. Well, we left said city (I can hardly use its name three times in a paragraph) and first mate Lars Larson took the wheel and ran away with it. No, not true. Enough of this silliness. Lars Larson took the wheel and steered the good vessel HMS Stockholm up a mountain pass and into some fog. Not fog like you get in Surrey on an October morning but a proper peasouper, couldn’t see a blasted thing for miles and for a while both of us suspected that the sauna had taken on a life of its own and was pumping steam into the cabin. Anyway, we pressed on regardless, carved a path through the retched stuff and popped out to take some photos at the top in our towels, which was nippy, in the very literal sense of the word.

Let us pause for:

Sven Svenson’s report on the condition of the sauna:

When you’re asked a question on a regular basis, you tend to formulate a standard reply which you reel off without really thinking about it. Take the following as an example:

Question: “Does the wood add much weight to the car?”
Answer: “No, hardly anything, it really makes very little difference at all.”

This is a lie. An innocuous one, an accidental one (perhaps started by the captain and readily seconded by the First Mate) but still a lie. The wood, in conjunction with the whole second Volvo we’ve brought as spares, provisions enough to see us through until 2042 and assorted junk thrown in at the last moment has added a tremendous amount of weight to a vehicle that already came in at 2000 kg’s. Most noticeably this has affected our ability to stop (our ability to start and move forward has always been pretty shocking anyway).

We first noticed something was awry when a faint whiff was detected in the cabin. A whiff in the cabin is not in itself unusual - undesirable yes, but not unusual. The whiff however was quickly identified as burning friction material on the brakes. We stopped (after a fashion and more by luck than judgement) and allowed the old girl to cool before ploddering hesitantly on towards Bormio in Northern Italy through a serious of treacherous Alpine passes, taken slightly steadier than the first one.

In Bormio, after finding lodgings at the appropriately named Hotel Guffo we met up with fellow banger-ralliers and set off the next morning in convoy up the Stelvio Pass. This is worth a google, preferably a youtube.
We made it to the top, easy peasy. After a moment or two napping on the top of HMS Stockholm we offered support to our “support vehicle” the “Turdo” who had suffered a blown gasket on the top of their engine but was in otherwise good nick and a Golf Gti which was pouring coolant all over the show.

We then sauntered off down the pass after a meal, admiring the truly stunning alpine scenery, scraping motorcyclists off the woodwork and listening to Jimi Hendrix at full volume... feeling, all in all, very smug.

That was when the brakes caught fire, suddenly, dramatically.

Using the handbrake to take pressure off the main brakes is only a good idea if you’re handbrake isn’t awful. Ours is.

So, we’re a fire extinguisher down, no sweat. We cooled off for half an hour, enough time for the whole population of Stelvio to mistake Chris for an Italian and then headed off on the rolling roads of Austria, past lakes, twee villages, and interested Austrians who huddled round the Sauna for a picture. Fantastisch.
We’re in Saltzburg now and can hear The Sound of Overpriced Tat, calling us into the centre.

See you all in Praha, where we’ll endeavour to provide a route so far in lieu of the “tracker” that never quite worked.
Tarra.

Erik Erikson’s nature diary:

Animals and birds encountered: a buzzard, a mountain goat (very Swiss), one horny cow, 50 or more unidentifiable but certainly rare, small birds and insects now lodged permanently into the front grille of the sauna.

Friday, 28 August 2009

Communications cockup results in navigator jettisoning fuel cap in attempt to lighten load

Fellow Sauna Enthusiasts.

The alps are pretty nippy in a towel.

After reaching Interlaken by the most roundabout route imaginable - some 700 miles from Calais - HMS Stockholm rolled into Centre Ville with burning brakes a clonking clutch and a dying diff following her arduous alpine ascension (Interlaken is on the wrong side of the alps).

Sven Svenson`s report on the condition of the car:

Engine sound: genuinely terrible; not unlike a fifty year old tug boat.

Appearance: quite excellent. The general procedure for pedestrians and drivers alike seems to be to stop, gawp, laugh and leave. Overtakers commonly swerve manically towards us, thus allowing their snotty ten year olds to take pictures of the "wooden car". Which is actually a Sauna in case we`ve failed to mention this.

Spare parts used: one fuel cap, left on the roof after our umpteenth refuel of the day; we`re doing about ten to the gallon with a tail wind and are thinking of things to jettison. At the moment, 600 tins of baked beans seem like the most likely candidate.

Lars Larson`s report on the level of supplies: enough to sustain the saunagoers through a decade or two of nuclear winter.

The plans for today: We leave for Bormio in Italy via an alpline pass (we`re hoping it`s not the same one we entered interlaken by last night as it would amuse the occupants of our sister ship "The Turdo" no end - they took the motorway into town like most other sensible folk.

The most valuable item we^ve packed so far are the off road use only headlamps (supplied by our kind sponsor at Dane Valley) which enabled us to steer the good ship through small Swiss towns illuminating every front room and etching "Volvo" backwards onto the foreheads of passers by.

The spare fuel cap was also pretty useful.

Until tomorrow friends.

T&C

p.s. the online tracking, Im sad to report, doesn`t work - you`ll have to do it yourself. Which is more fun anyway. Go to google maps and type INTERLAKEN, SWITZERLAND. To see the whole route so far, or at least a vauge approximation of it, do a google route plan between Sevenoaks and Interlanken, Switzerland via Luzern, (also in this land of chocolate bank accounts.)